Courtesy of the
ninjatune forum:
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
"St. Peter asks the first girl,
"Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and
shyly replies,
"Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St.Petersays,
"OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the
gates."
St Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Katrina, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
"Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says,
"OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,
"Mary! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies,
"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Wendy sticks her ass in it."
<----->
One evening last week my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and when she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me"
I said "WHAT???!!!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear
"You're not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?".
Realising that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out for a nice lunch and then went to shop at Harrods.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her that we'll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think that she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think that I threw her a loop when I said "That's fine honey".
She was almost reaching sexual satisfaction from all the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it".
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD the stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman"
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
<----->
Finally lyrics for the weekend:
Weekend (5 Long Days)
(by The Wildhearts taken from "Don't Be Happy Just Worry")
Monday comes crashing in and all the world looks grey again
faces on the train seem grim when yesterday the same were smiling
another week to kill, another week where time stands still
and shuffling masses feel the chill that comes with their routine
the working scene...
crawled out of bed and then I turned on MTV again
to watch the same songs I can't stand: they sing of love and being happy
look there's another one that sounds just like the other one
the video without a song is being a famous whore
frustrates me more
CHORUS:
but at the weekend, well everything will be okay
at the weekend (darling)
at the weekend, I'll tell the world that for five long days I've been wanting to say
(wanting to say, yeah yeah)
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ride upon a five mile tide of surprise and oblivion
or rain or shine I'm waiting at the frontline
I need it, I need it, like you would not believe it
and I'll be dying to change, I'll be dying change my ways
'cos I've been dry for 5 long days
I'll put the world to right, I'll fly like Superman in flight
I'll eat the day and drink the night and everyone will be there with me
this week I've seen it through on auto-pilot just like you
and now there's nothing left to do 'cept anything at all
let's hit the wall
CHORUS
At the weekend, baby baby at the weekend
at the weekend, at the weekend
at the weekend, baby baby at the weekend
at the weekend… rock, rock, rock, roll
CHORUS
<---->
Keep it random you lot..
